Skin of Evil
by Tony Vernon-Smith
Summary: Immediately after Tasha's death, Data wonders: why do people always wait until after the person is gone to say all the important things ?


I stood in the holodeck today, and watched Counselor Troi cry. Everyone else was upset as well—Geordi, Doctor Crusher, Wes, even Worf and the Captain. Everyone was upset—except me.

I wished I could be upset. I _tried _to be upset, even though I have known for a long time that when I try to feel something I only end up realizing as if for the first time how incomplete I am. I used to practice crying, but gave it up because my tears are even more false than my laughter. I cannot be happy, or sad—I only exist, apart.

I did wish, however, that I had told you before you died that you meant so much to me—even after you started treating me strictly professionally. I did not mind what happened between us, Tasha—I knew you were not well when you let me into your bedroom. I thought it would make you happier, to do what you wanted me to do; but I was wrong.

I am sorry for being wrong.

I was curious, you see. I wanted to know what it was like—love. Even if I could not feel it, I wanted to see what it was like. The Captain has often told me that I let my curiosity overwhelm my better judgment, that I take too many risks simply in order to verify my hypotheses, that I ought to be more careful. Geordi would say I was 'silly'—I was playing at being human again. I hoped you could help me understand better what it was like to be human, and I wanted to make you feel better, and I was not thinking of what would happen in the 'long term'. I am sorry for that too, not being more perceptive.

And then you came out on the bridge, after you were cured. And I looked at you. You were very uncomfortable when I did—I probably should not have looked at you, either, Tasha, that was another mistake. But I forgot how sensitive humans are about 'private things', and I looked.

And then you told me it never happened.

That confused me, too. Did you mean to deny that it had ever happened? I had to search a long time through my files before I decided that you meant that I was to _act _as though it had never happened. So I did. I wanted to ask you if I had 'hurt your feelings', or explain that I was sorry, or tell you that I did not mean to damage our relationship, but you had said that it never happened, and I did not wish to hurt you more. I think now that this was another mistake, but I do not know why I think this now that it is too late.

Because you are dead, you do not know that I would have killed Armus, because he caused your death. I did want to kill him—not only did he kill you, but he hurt Geordi and he threatened to kill the Captain as well. It was logical, I suppose—I cannot feel hate. And yet I wanted to kill him—because he killed you. I have never wanted to kill anyone before. It was a new sensation to me. Now that I think about it I wonder if that was also ill-advised, but I was not thinking it then; all I could think about was watching you die on the table in Sickbay. Even though I knew that there was only a five-point-three-two percent chance that Doctor Crusher could revive you, I still hoped—I can hope!—I still hoped that she would be able to… 'perform a miracle'? That is what they say, is it not? –Perform a miracle. And even as I watched your neural activity drop, I was still hoping. Even after I knew you were dead, my mind could not seem to grasp it—that I would never see you again. I have never had someone important to me die before and I did not know what the correct response should be. –I did not know what to do. I knew what humans did, but I am not human, and I did not know what to do.

So I saw you die in Sickbay, and then I saw Armus hurt Geordi and attempt to use me to kill the Captain. If I could have been angry, I would have been _very _angry. I did step toward Armus—I did not know exactly what I was going to do, I only knew that I did not like what was happening—I did not like what he was doing to my friends. Counselor Troi as well. I wanted to make him stop.

--I wanted to hurt him like he was hurting everyone else.

Apparently I am capable of feeling revenge. Is revenge an emotion? I will ask Geordi when I speak to him next. But I will not tell him why…I do not feel like having him know. It will be 'our secret', just as what happened during the Tsilkovsky virus is 'our secret'.

I did not tell Geordi about it. I wanted to. I wanted to ask his advice. He knows a great deal about humanity, and I wanted to ask him what I should do, how I should apologize to you, but I did not want to hurt your feelings. You did not seem resentful on the holodeck—or I should say your hologram did not—but I read that humans think funerals should 'settle things', which means that everyone should resolve their quarrels with the dead person.

I stayed on the holodeck after everyone else had left, and I played your message to me again and again. I do not know why I did this—there was no reason. I simply wanted to hear your voice. Again, I do not know why. I ran a complete self-diagnostic and I can find nothing wrong, but neither can I find a reason why I should want to hear your message over and over again when I had memorized it after the first time.

--And then I copied your holo onto a miniature, and I took it to my quarters and put it in the drawer of my workstation. I hope you would not mind, Tasha, but I wanted to have an image of you to look at. Again, I do not know why. I cannot ask Geordi, because then I would have to explain why you are so special to me. Did you know you were special to me? I wanted to tell you, but I was 'afraid' you would not like it. I thought that you would think I was 'insinuating' things, even though insinuation is another human behavior I have yet to master. People sometimes think I am more human than I actually am.

Since you are dead and you cannot actually hear me, I can tell you what Counselor Troi said to me. She talks to me exactly as she talks to everyone else…not like Commander Riker, who still believes, I think, that I am a 'fancy piece of equipment'. I believe Counselor Troi thinks of me as a person…which surprised me at first, since, as I have no emotions, she cannot sense me. I know that when I first came aboard she used to forget I was there. I am incapable of being hurt, and I am used to people forgetting I am there, but I…I think I felt something else when Counselor Troi began remembering I was there. It was not an unpleasant sensation.

I am commenting on everything again. Commander Riker says, "Data, get to the point already." Doctor Crusher tells me to "shut up". And the Captain says, "Data, don't babble." I am aware that I talk 'too much', but I cannot tell how much is too much. I was going to tell you about Counselor Troi…she asked me earlier today if I had any special attachment to you. When I told her I was incapable of attachment, she smiled and shook her head, which I have learned means she does not believe me, and said that I was always watching you, all the time. "Whenever Tasha was in the room," she said to me, "you would be watching her."

I was not aware that I did this. I thought perhaps I made you uncomfortable by doing this, and added this to the list of apologies I wished I could give you. I said you were special to me, but I did not tell her why, even though since you were dead you could no longer care. I did not tell her because I knew that was not what you would have wanted. Was that the right thing to do? –Yes, I think it must be.

Then Counselor Troi said that I had been special to you too. When I said I did not believe this was true, she said that _you _were always watching _me_. "When your back was turned," she said, "Tasha would watch you." I had never seen you do this, and I was very surprised, though I knew Counselor Troi would never lie to me. She is very sad that you died. I wish I could influence her emotional state and make her happy again, and I told her so, but she said that people were always unhappy when friends died, that it was natural and that eventually everyone would be able to remember you without being sad. I am not sad, of course—I cannot be sad—but I was used to you, Tasha, and I do miss you. I miss you 'very much'. Worf is at the tactical station now, and he is very angry that he is there at all; he scowls all the time and growls so low that no one can hear him, except me. I asked him what Klingons did to honor their dead, and he said that he is going to honor you—I did not mention you, Tasha—he said he was going to honor you by trying to do your duties as well as you did. He said you were an exemplary security officer.

--I am curious: why do people always wait until someone is dead to say nice things about them? Dead people cannot hear them. I tell Geordi all the time that he is important to me. He thinks I am silly, but I do this because I do not want to wait for him to die and then say things when he cannot hear them. I would tell everyone else, too…I tried to tell the Captain once, and he gave me a very strange look and thanked me. It was quite obvious, even to me, that I made him uncomfortable, so I will not do it to him anymore. I have found that it makes humans uncomfortable for people to tell them how important they are to them, so perhaps that is why they wait until after the person is dead to say things like that. I would ask Geordi, but he is still very upset: he has a headache now, I think because he was crying, and he will not take any medication for it in spite of the fact that that is the reasonable thing to do. I have also observed that after humans lose people they punish themselves, because they feel guilty. I cannot feel guilty but I know it must be very unpleasant.

--Doctor Crusher feels guilty that she could not save you, even though she did everything she could. She has been crying, too: she and Counselor Troi were wondering what to do with all your things, since you have no family to send them back to. When I pointed this out Commander Riker got very angry with me and said, "She was lucky to be _alive_ after living fifteen years on that hellhole, and I think she did a damned fine job in getting to be where she was!" And then everyone looked at me, and I knew I had…I had 'put my foot'…I cannot remember the rest of the expression, but I put my foot _somewhere _it was not supposed to be.

Then they all decided that each of us should keep something of yours to remember you by. The Captain said "Make it so" and went into his ready room, and since I was off-duty Doctor Crusher and I went to pack up your things. Even though you were dead I felt as though I was trespassing: it felt wrong to walk into your quarters like that and start taking everything out of the drawers. Doctor Crusher started crying and trying to hide it, and I felt uncomfortable, because I could not feel what she was feeling, so I went to the other end of the room and began taking things out of your desk.

I did not go into your bedroom: I let Doctor Crusher unpack the things there. When we had everything laid out on the bed—you have almost as few things as I do, Tasha—everyone else came in, even the Captain, though he stood by the door with his arms folded and looked uncomfortable. Then everyone took turns picking things to keep. When it was my turn I…I took the scarf you wore the time you were sick and let me into your bedroom. Nobody knew why I wanted it, so it still never happened between us.

The Captain went off quickly; he does not like social situations, I do not think. After that everyone else sat down and talked about you. I stayed, even though I had nothing to say, because I wanted to hear the stories they told about you. They were all very complimentary. I wished I could tell a story, but I could not think of anything to say, and I thought that since I have no emotions I should keep quiet; otherwise I might run the risk of making them unhappier. Wesley noticed, and said, "Don't you have anything to say, Data?"

"No," I said, "I do not."

Then I wondered if that was the correct thing to do, and Commander Riker said, "Seems like you always have something to say, Data."

"Hush, Will," said Counselor Troi. I think she knew why I was keeping quiet.

Then they all got drinks and sat and talked some more. About you. Again, I wished you could hear it; and I wished I could say something nice about you. Even after the thing that never happened, happened, you were still kind to me. Wesley almost started crying, and got very embarrassed and left quickly, and Commander Riker called him a 'poor kid'. And then Worf left, very angry. I know that this is because Klingons always get angry when they are upset. And then Commander Riker said something about organizing some files, and Doctor Crusher had work to do in Sickbay, so _they _left, and Counselor Troi left soon after, so that left only Geordi and me.

He was swallowing, and I could tell he was upset. I wanted to make him feel better, to 'cheer him up', but I did not know how.

"Geez, Data," he said finally, his voice strange from trying not to cry. "I always think it's kind of funny. You lose someone this way, and you think the universe ought to come to an end."

"Why?" I said.

He looked at me. "Well, because it's so awful. You don't know how you can go on without them."

I knew something of this…this sensation…because I had been thinking all day about how empty the bridge would be without you. I said so, and he smiled.

"There," he said. "I knew you felt it too."

"It is not really a 'feeling'," I said, because I cannot feel things. "It is rather…a knowledge of her absence."

"Same thing," said Geordi.

I did not believe that it was, but I did not wish to contradict him, so I was quiet. After a while he took his visor off and wiped his eyes.

"People shouldn't die for senseless reasons," he said.

"I do not understand," I said.

He put his visor back on and looked at me some more. "You feel like you have to be useful, right?"

"Yes," I said.

"Well, with us it's the same way. We want our lives to have meaning—and we want our _deaths _to have meaning, too. We don't want to just die in an accident or because some big black glob down on a planet smacks us for no reason. We want to die _for _something."

I thought about this. It sounded reasonable. Furthermore, I think now that this was why I was so…unsettled…over the manner of your death. It had had no meaning. I said so, and Geordi smiled again.

"See?" he said. "We're not so different."

"But…" I said. "But I do not know how to proceed. I have never lost someone important to me before. What do I do now?"

"You don't _do _anything, Data. You just keep on going, and the pain goes away after a while." He put his chin in his hands. "I don't suppose you believe in an afterlife, do you?"

I knew what I _should _say, but I did not want to lie to him. Finally I said, "I do not have enough data to decide one way or the other."

"It's not about evidence, Data. It's about believing," he said.

"I do not understand," I said. For some reason this made him smile.

"You don't have to do that, either," he said. "I'm going to get some sleep tonight, all right? I'll see you tomorrow, buddy." And he patted me on the shoulder and left.

So I am sitting here now, replaying memory records of you when you were alive, and talking to you even though I do not know why. It appears that I do not know why I do a lot of things where you are concerned. I put flowers on your bed—I am not going to tell anyone that I did this. They are the kind of flowers you always smelled like—roses. I know you liked them, so I put them there. When I searched through my memory banks I found out that roses have romantic significance in many human cultures. I hope you are not offended by this.

I have bridge watch in 13.561 minutes, but until then I am going to sit here. I have decided to believe in an afterlife until I find evidence to the contrary…and I hypothesize that if there is an afterlife, you will be able to hear me. If not, I will never speak to you again, because machines do not have souls.

Perhaps, though, someone else could carry the message for me. It is logical to think that you are all going to the same place. Tomorrow I will search the computer on the possibility, and I will ask Geordi about it. Because I would like to tell you that if I could love, I would very probably have loved you, Tasha.


End file.
